Attention Deficit Disorder, ADD

I have ADD. With this wonderful flaw I feel empathy for the Depressed and the Overweight. As with ADD, people without it cannot comprehend it. "Just Concentrate" is what I hear on an all too regular basis. I'm sure that depressed people hear "Cheer Up" and overweight people hear "Just Stop Eating So Much" from these monotonous drones. If you don't have a compulsive behavioral problem then you simply have no clue.

I really want to focus on tasks. I really want to finish things. When my mind starts slipping, I am fully aware that it's happening. As it begins (there is no real way to gauge the timeframe) I sense my desire slipping away. In my mind I yell at myself, "Just focus you idiot, it's not that difficult".

Over the years I have developed coping skills that simply don't work in many corporations. I must, MUST, work on several (three or more) different projects at the same time. When my mind forces me to stop working on something there had better be something else to work on or I'll just start daydreaming. I can daydream for hours.

This condition is annoying. Working in a team is virtually impossible. I get bored so fast. I feel guilty about the little things that I leave undone, they haunt me. I feel bad about myself.

Contrary to popular belief, I rarely played video games or watched TV as a child. I played outside, riding bikes, climbing hills and living in my own mind. My mind contained and still contains wondrous worlds that I can change at will whenever they become tedious.

I wish that those who cannot understand my problem would simply shut up... maybe they can't control themselves either (a mental condition?)

Why do I fear my Email?

Every morning is a mental struggle. The email icon on my task bar haunts me as it stands out amongst all the others. There is no real reason for me to fear it. I've never really had a bad email, aside from spam.

I fear the email from my clients. It's not as if a client has ever threatened me or even sent me bad news. My body tenses as it prepares for the worst, whatever that may be. This dubious battle happens every day of the week. Sometimes I wait for several hours before clicking on that little email icon. I even get up from my chair and walk away while my computer downloads the mail.

Sadly, this dysfunction of mine flows to voice mail as well (and, to a lesser extent, actual phone calls). On many occasions I allow pending voice mails to sit for days (yes…. DAYS) before listening to it!

The stress I feel is palpable. What is wrong with me?

Another day, no dollars

The fun has drained out of the career path I have chosen. They say that "Money can't buy happiness" but I think they missed something... the absence of money compiled with the presence of bills and the needs of children are sheer misery.

As a computer programmer that was active during the beautiful "dot-com" years, watching developer salaries steadily fall weighs heavy in my chest. I have a home. I have a family. I was a good provider. I was a hard worker who enjoyed my many jobs. The jobs are still quite abundant but the pay has left me with a hollow empty feeling.

I now know that, without the good pay, programming is dull, repetitive and simply not worth it. Companies no longer let you "play" which is really the only way to keep your skills sharp. "Every minute counts!" They also pit you against the others (read: India). "Why should I pay you to sit in a cube when I can get three Indians for the same price?" At one time, "Skill" was the answer. The Indians have that now.

I feel lost. I am nearing the grand old age of forty and have no other skills. They tell me to go to school. My response: pay for my children, car payment, mortgage, food and electricity and I'll go to any school you want. It's not easy to change when a family depends on you. Mistakes at this stage hurt far more than myself.

So hear I sit. I will attempt the American dream. I am trying to start a business.

Wish me luck, disdain or indifference.